Relationship advice

[Clyde85]

So I can’t believe im doing this, especially while im completely sober but here goes,

I’ve been dating the same woman for about a year now, we are very much in love but things are getting difficult between us. We seem to be growing apart and while both of us realize this is happening and have spoken to each other about it, neither one of us can really seem to figure out what to do about it. We rarely do things together anymore, our conversations are very limited a rarely have any depth to them and our sex life has come to a screeching halt and i’m just about at my wits end. While recently she has made more of an effort to be more affectionate and open, it really hasn’t improved things much, outside of me worrying less that she wants the relationship to end, things seems to have gotten worse. She claims that this has happened to her before, where her libido just drops off for no reason and she becomes terrified that it will never come back. She said that we’ll just have to wait things out and see what happens. Is this a hint im just not getting? I know that I have a nasty habit of getting comfortable with the women i’m dating and becoming sedentary in my ways, which may make them think I’ve lost intrest, but I really don’t know what to do about it. Also, we live together and the fate of a very wonderful cat hangs in the balance here. I really have no idea what to do and im so out of ideas or places to turn that im here on my board game forum asking for advice (and let me stress that I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in 72 hours!) so any advice you guys could give I would greatly appreciate.

[Gargantua]

Look at this with a pair of axis and allies glasses. :)

If you want to avoid Civil Unrest and Civil war, it’s time to declare war on an outside power! Like the Bolshevik’s!

Thus…

• IMMEDIATELY stop looking at the problem in house, and all the “oh we’re broken” thinking. the “What’s the matters?” etc.

• IMMEDIATELY start looking at the-hey lets do this tonight- or -hey lets go here tonight-, or the -I’m doing this join me- moves.

Also Follow this most EPIC rule:
Whatever’s going on DON’T talk about it.

And as soon as you start getting laid again, DEFINETLY don’t talk about it.

A few other thoughts…
-everyone wants what they can’t have, so a little distance is O.K., so is a bit of -don’t care- attitude, but not to much

-Don’t go romantic at this point, that will push her away because of point 1.

-Be totally AWESOME, the more amazing you make yourself, the more everyone in your life will want to be around you including HER.

-Do some self improvement, GO LEARN SOMETHING NEW, and shake things up a bit, people who are dull, get boring, boring = no libido.

-Go learn something with your lady together. Ice Skating, hip hop dancing, whatever, anything WAY out of your norm.

-TAKE IN THE SEASON, Fall and halloween are coming up, plan to attend or host a halloween party, and look for a haunted house/corn maze in your hood.

-Buy her chocolate, show it to her, but then make her earn it.

-plan her a surprise, pump her all up for it, then tell her you lied, then when she’s crushed, show her you double duped her and laugh. then leave for the night.  A real mixing of emotions that ends well usually stays well. Prove me wrong.

-start not answering her questions. she might want to know something pointless, like what did you eat for lunch. flatly refuse to answer.  Unless she’s willing to barter with her own personal information.

-Women want a MAN. Act like one, poke her, rub grass in her face, pick her up and carry her around the house over your shoulder, just to prove you are stronger than her, and there is NOTHING she can do about it.  She’ll go nuts for you.  This is an especially effective method when the no sex thing is going on…

-Go get a gym membership tomorrow, get up EARLY AM, and leave the house.  4 days a week.  I don’t care if you sit in the gym and do NOTHING.  Go anyways.  If you push it hard for even just 2 weeks, she will notice.

-Make her dinner, clean the bathroom, and vacuum everything. then make lude marks about how a -man- needed to do the job.

• Invite her outside to throw football. And laugh at her failures, then teach her what you know.

…

Don’t know what your budget’s like right now, but last i recall you weren’t employed - thus you got to be smart, I’ve got a few bucks I can swing you way - but ONLY if you promise to follow my instructions with your lady EXPRESSLY, and agree to lend me kit at next year’s FMG.

$80 would probably land you a -flying- lesson, and you could take her up in the plane to learn about what it’s like behind the yoke and about careers in aviation.  She’ll go nuts for that, even if you fly, or she does. whatever.

Phone me if you want more, PM for #.

And if you follow all of these ideas and it fails
A. you are way better off for it - and incredibly self improved
B. it wasn’t meant to be…

Oh, and take her to a restaurant you find in the yellow pages, something wierd, like Vegatarian only… or indian.

Let me know how it goes.

START TONIGHT.

[Gargantua]

Oh and dont ASK her what’s she’s doing later, or if she’d like to join you.

TELL her to make you soup, pack a picnic, or whatever, and TELL her what plans you have made for her this evening :D.

[Gargantua]

Also post your picture online (both of you) so we can improve our advice…

[Imperious Leader]

I’ve been dating the same woman for about a year now, we are very much in love but things are getting difficult between us. We seem to be growing apart and while both of us realize this is happening and have spoken to each other about it, neither one of us can really seem to figure out what to do about it. We rarely do things together anymore, our conversations are very limited a rarely have any depth to them and our sex life has come to a screeching halt and i’m just about at my wits end. While recently she has made more of an effort to be more affectionate and open, it really hasn’t improved things much, outside of me worrying less that she wants the relationship to end, things seems to have gotten worse. She claims that this has happened to her before, where her libido just drops off for no reason and she becomes terrified that it will never come back. She said that we’ll just have to wait things out and see what happens. Is this a hint im just not getting? I know that I have a nasty habit of getting comfortable with the women i’m dating and becoming sedentary in my ways, which may make them think I’ve lost intrest, but I really don’t know what to do about it. Also, we live together and the fate of a very wonderful cat hangs in the balance here. I really have no idea what to do and im so out of ideas or places to turn that im here on my board game forum asking for advice (and let me stress that I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in 72 hours!) so any advice you guys could give I would greatly appreciate.

Too fixated on performance issues or emotional issues ( the pressure of making love or being in love)…

1. Rather just either make time to go out together that you both enjoy, or end the relationship immediately. Don’t waste time with people that take up the time you could spend with another.
2. Always be in charge and treat them with aloofness for the most part with certain moments you can show the grace of your soul. Only never show this hand too often or you will look weak and turn into a “friend”….in other words be the aho and women will respond to that. They respond to it positively because they love a leader.
3. If your both young this is a common symptom… a few more years of living will sort this out. Maturity will clarify what real potential the relationship has.
4. You can never tell a woman everything about you. Some things must be left to ‘mysterious’ If a woman can easily read you, you end up not as lover but back to friend.
5. Women most be left to think their is something more to you…and she will never find out what that is…or you can tell her in bits or pieces over 50 years. If you tell her in the first week, you lost.
6. lastly never get married, and only adopt kids depending if your in common law state or not
7. KEEP YOUR MONEY AND BE AS CHEAP AS POSSIBLE WITH WOMEN. Throwing money at women is the worst decision possible. Again you will lose if you go this route.

BTW i have the same girlfriend since 1992. She is very smart ( university professor), and everything works out great and i didn’t have to marry her.

[MrMalachiCrunch]

Some great advice already.  I have lots of issues myself so would probably not offer good advice much more than 50% of the time.  Living together after less than a year is a warning sign to me, mind you I have only ever once lived with any of my girlfriends.  My fear is that it takes at least a year for both parties to start to know each other well.

I think honesty and communication are important.

[frimmel]

I have to agree with Garg and IL on most of what they said.

The other thing is Garg seems to think you are unemployed? Which if it is the case is the most immediate thing to change. Likely the fundamental source of much of the issues. She doesn’t see a future with you if you can’t ‘provide.’ As much as they talk about equality and equal pay women have not freed men from their traditional role of provider unless you consider having to share a greater burden of the housework being freed from a traditional male role. If you can’t help pay the bills, the discussion of how to repair your relationship is redundant until you can.

[Gargantua]

Doctor Frimmel’s on it.

The other thing is Garg seems to think you are unemployed? Which if it is the case is the most immediate thing to change.

IF this is still the case, give me your city/state and I’ll get to work on your behalf finding decent employment :P  Sometimes you just need someone outside the box to make sht happen.

[Hobbes]

@Clyde85:

So I can’t believe im doing this, especially while im completely sober but here goes,

I’ve been dating the same woman for about a year now, we are very much in love but things are getting difficult between us. We seem to be growing apart and while both of us realize this is happening and have spoken to each other about it, neither one of us can really seem to figure out what to do about it. We rarely do things together anymore, our conversations are very limited a rarely have any depth to them and our sex life has come to a screeching halt and i’m just about at my wits end. While recently she has made more of an effort to be more affectionate and open, it really hasn’t improved things much, outside of me worrying less that she wants the relationship to end, things seems to have gotten worse. She claims that this has happened to her before, where her libido just drops off for no reason and she becomes terrified that it will never come back. She said that we’ll just have to wait things out and see what happens. Is this a hint im just not getting? I know that I have a nasty habit of getting comfortable with the women i’m dating and becoming sedentary in my ways, which may make them think I’ve lost intrest, but I really don’t know what to do about it. Also, we live together and the fate of a very wonderful cat hangs in the balance here. I really have no idea what to do and im so out of ideas or places to turn that im here on my board game forum asking for advice (and let me stress that I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in 72 hours!) so any advice you guys could give I would greatly appreciate.

This may sound a little weird but did she started taking the pill about the time when your ‘cooling down’ happened? Because, if so, there may be a scientific explanation for what is happening. Basically when a woman starts taking the pill (or becomes pregnant, which is how the pill works, by fooling the body) her body chemistry goes completely the other way regarding who’s she’s attracted to and that’s why pregnant women don’t feel attracted towards their husbands.
This is the article where I read about it: 6 Factors That Secretly Influence Who You Have Sex With

Btw, I haven’t made my mind on this (I have a new relationship so I’m keeping an eye on it) but looking at my past girlfriends there’s at least 2 or 3 that this describes what happened: she started taking the pill, a few months afterwards she brakes up.

[MrMalachiCrunch]

If you are not currently working then at least do volunteer, preferably something in your field.  There are many benefits, networking might seem a be a bit selfish but as long as you are not trying to flog product you sell there is nothing wrong with padding your little black book with contacts.  Look at this situation, networking with like minded AandA fans can/has led to unrelated connections.

The saying “work is good for the soul” is true, better to get paid but important to work no matter what.  Taking courses and self-improvement count.  I have not worked in 2 years since that drunk nearly killed me.  The insurance company has ensured money is not an issue, but they can’t do anything for the change in direction forced into my life.  I rely on going to the gym, taking cognitive rehabs steps online (lumosity etc.), taking self improvement courses.  I also see 3 specialists a week and they all have readings and homework for me to do.  I like the feeling I am improving my lot in life every day, my girlfriend likes the fact I work out, now we work out together.  I see a shrink once a week to help with my attitude and try not to be such a dick, the girlfriend loves the fact I want to be a better man for her and for myself and those around me.  She is invited once a month to my sessions.

[Gargantua]

This may sound a little weird but did she started taking the pill about the time when your ‘cooling down’ happened? Because, if so, there may be a scientific explanation for what is happening. Basically when a woman starts taking the pill (or becomes pregnant, which is how the pill works, by fooling the body) her body chemistry goes completely the other way regarding who’s she’s attracted to and that’s why pregnant women want to kill their husbands.
This is the article where I read about it: 6 Factors That Secretly Influence Who You Have Sex With

Btw, I haven’t made my mind on this (but I have a new girlfriend so I’m keeping an eye on it) but looking at my past girlfriends there’s at least 2 or 3 that this describes what happened: she started taking the pill, a few months afterwards she brakes up.

HOBBES,

You are ABSOLUTELY Correct.  I’ve seen several articles describing what you’re saying, and I’ve witnessed it myself.

Radical behaviour changes, libido changes, interest changes,  ALL SOLVED, when the pill gets dropped.  Particular brands of the pill are worse than others… look up Jasmine for example, and just read some of these woman’s experiences…

Good thought on work Mal!

[Witt]

Hope that’s it, Clyde. Good luck anyway.
Nice one Hobbes.

[Clyde85]

Gentlemen, (there’s a word I never thought I’d use on this forum:-)  )

I’m truly shocked at the response here, and I thank you all for your opinions and advice very much. This is just a quick post with word of gratitude to all who have offered advice, again I think you. I will post a longer post addressing the number of questions and other details later, Just wanted to let you guys know i’m reading this and appreciate it very much.

[Jermofoot]

Haven’t read everything that was posted, so I just thought I’d comment on a couple of things:

1.  If this has happened before, it probably has something more to do with her than you.  If there is a serious problem, she probably should seek therapy/professional help
2.  After a year, the new love feeling kind of dissipates (it can vary from couple to couple).  Relationships are work, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  So you’ll only get what you invest in it.
3.  The times where I wasn’t getting laid in a relationship had less to do with hormones/pill/interest (there was a period of this, but it’s easily fixed) and more to do with happiness.  If she isn’t happy, or is stressed/afraid of what you might do, then you aren’t getting laid.  Keeping her happy makes you happy.  That goes back to #2.

That’s about all I got right now.  I’d take my advice with a grain of salt, though.  I’ve been single for a over a year (by choice)…

…although a girl I dated 3 years ago admitted she was still in love with me (and I with her), so that may change very soon…

[Jermofoot]

Oh, and reading some of the responses now…I’ve got to say that there’s some bad advice mixed in here.

Essentially, some of the advice is just playing “The Game”, which is just manipulation and preying on girls’ insecurities and emotions.  Don’t do it.  A real man doesn’t stoop so low.

If you love this girl, then do the right thing and treat her like a grown woman.  Yourself too (a grown man, not a grown woman…unless you want to).

[Gargantua]

If you want to play it safe and cuddly, the -Jermofoot- way.  Then Massage her feet tonight for no other reason than you want to.

Bilogically the sensory pathways in her feet are connected directly next/through to other -stimulating- inputs.  She’ll feel ‘happier’.

It works EVERY time, and it’s science.  And you don’t become some household B*tch in the process.

ALL Women want MEN. Not laissez faire liberal skinny jean types. Never forget this.

Essentially, some of the advice is just playing “The Game”, which is just manipulation and preying on girls’ insecurities and emotions.

Better to be playing the GAME, than surfing the internet all night.  The girls play it too.  Thus we all must Master it. :)

[Gargantua]

IMO

Game is EXACTLY what you need atm.

[frimmel]

On the one hand I totally agree with Garg. On the other hand agree with Jermo. “Game” is an answer, it isn’t necessarily the answer. If all you have is a hammer everything starts looking like a nail. (No pun intended.)

Rarely though when faced with a problem is less navel gazing (talking about it and re-hashing it and gnashing teeth over it) and more action the wrong way to get to a solution.

[MrMalachiCrunch]

I think we have all seen guys who are total jerks who have armfuls of babes.  While I don’t advocate being a jerk, women do like a man’s man.  It’s all well and good to ask her where she would like to go for dinner, but it’s probably better to do the homework and have a plan all laid out and TAKE her to dinner.  Being sensitive is all well and good but women have friends who can be sensitive too so don’t come across as just a sensitive friend.

[Guerrilla Guy]

@MrMalachiCrunch:

I think we have all seen guys who are total jerks who have armfuls of babes.  While I don’t advocate being a jerk, women do like a man’s man.  It’s all well and good to ask her where she would like to go for dinner, but it’s probably better to do the homework and have a plan all laid out and TAKE her to dinner.  Being sensitive is all well and good but women have friends who can be sensitive too so don’t come across as just a sensitive friend.

I don’t believe your “polarities” are exclusive. Being sensitive enough to know the girl so that you can ON-YOUR-OWN choose the restaurant/dating experience that she would appreciate doesn’t make you a wimp nor a jerk. It’s about being the best balanced guy for the girl. And if I see a bunch of babes around a jerk, I just make a mental note of each one of them, and cross them off my dating possibility list. Any girl who doesn’t have the mental ascension to see that she’s with a bad character is not worth my affection, focus, or pursuit.

GG